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Bank Charges
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account by £50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents,
for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the
procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes.
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must
nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice service:
---Press buttons as follows:
- To make an appointment to see me.
- To query a missing payment.
- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9
- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain
from
"The Best of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble,
with a
guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the
miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of
£20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at £5
per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be
passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You
will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
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