CV

I've put some strange things on my cv, but here are some examples of things you shouldn't put:

• Disposed of £2.5 billion in assets.
• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midlands chain store.
• My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
• Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.
• Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.
• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
• I am a rabid typist.
• Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.
• Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.
• I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.
• References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me.
• Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.
• I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
• I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.
• Qualifications: No education or experience.
• Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.
• Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!

Published: 10-Aug-2005
Last edited: 10-Aug-2005