This bloke decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends.  On the invitation he puts "themed party come as a human emotion".
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V painted on his chest (in another colour).  He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion  have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy".  The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door  to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.  He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and she replies, "I'm tickled pink".  The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two black guys, start-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and other with his penis stuck in a pear.  The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like, you could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street.  What emotion is this supposed to be?"  The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend here has come in despair."
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Seven Dwarfs Meet The Pope: The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.  "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"   "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."  "Okay."  Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."  And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle.  He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.  "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes.  We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun.  He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.   His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance.  Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.  But still there is complete silence at the table.  All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts  to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle.  He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy named John goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and  the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and John says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen.  I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."  Betsy thinks about this for a cond and says to her self, what the hell - a hundred bucks!  My husband sees it all the time for free!  So she opens her robe and shows one.  John promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.  They sit there a whilelonger and John says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them.   I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives John a nice long look.  John thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.  A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend John came over."
Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first-class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first-class ticket.  The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
 The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
 The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.  She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.  The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica"
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Little ten-year-old Freddie goes for a long week-end with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are  entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull  is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie  aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have  said, 'The bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth picked up in the  playground," he says.   A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his  uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprisingthe  cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know...".   "Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should  see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!!  There's a computer  at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a  doctor.  Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the  sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises  and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He  went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard, get a water softener. Your dog has worms, give him vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs, put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant, it ain't yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.