Translation

I've been caught out once too often by not understanding what my wife means. I've heard what she's said, but she means something completely different.

For example: if she says, "Yes" she means "No".
and, of course, if she says "No" she means "Yes"

Here are some more examples:

Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain about what you are doing.
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Do what you want. = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset. = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so manly. = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about??
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
Do you want to see John Thomas? = I'm pissed off with you, let's go and see another loser.

Men, of course, are more straight forward. When a man says something, he means it. Ladies, don't try and read anything else into what we say.

When I say "I'm hungry" then "I'm hungry"
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I love you, too = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay.
Do you want to see John Thomas? = Let's have sex now

Published: 10-Aug-2005
Last edited: 10-Aug-2005